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Japan to renounce nationhood in bid to mend economy

Newly appointed Bank of Japan head Hiromasa Fukui unveiled his highly anticipated plan for bringing Japan out of the now 12-year long recession that has proved resilient to all other attempts to rectify it. Following a bubble economy in the 1980s driven by little men with big egos who like to burn money on real estate, the Japanese stock market has lost 60% of its value and has interest rates of 0.00000000000000412%. Joblessness has reached horrendous levels at 5.5% of the working population and homeless sarariman have established chic blue-tarp castles under local bridges and in many public parks and castle grounds.

In response to the pressure to finally fix the problems, Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi appointed a luke-warm conservative in the apparent hope that he would decide to break with his life-long business precendent and develop a radical plan with even a chance to cure Japan's economic ills.

The plan, in typical Japanese fashion, refused to outline a specific strategy and offered a plate of options ranging from a switch to the Euro and a nationwide day of seppuku. The option that garnered the most interest both publicly and politically appears to be headed for passage into law within the next 2 weeks with the implementation beginning in early May.

Mr Fukui's suggestion to throw in the towel on Japan's lot in the world and start anew has struck a chord with the nation that rose from the ashes of WWII with nary a nail for their coffins. The proposal demands that Japan renounce its nationhood status, toss out the ¥en as currency, and join forces with Taiwan.

"It's obvious to anyone who's bothered to look that China is the future, in all things economic, military, political, and spiritual," quipped Rakuhoku Uetsuka during a debate in the Upper House of the Japanese Diet. "We have never been originators of anything and see no particular reason to maintain an independent identity in the face of such a future in China's shadow."

The rationale behind the push to join Taiwan politically and economically is based on the assumption that China's claim to the territory will eventually result in the absorption of the island into the Asian juggernaut.

"If we can hold our economy together long enough to ride the coattails of China's growth, we'll be okay. We've got a rapidly aging population and there isn't a kamikaze's chance that we'll be able to support all the old people we're going to have around here in a few years. This is the only way forward for us. We share a written language, so it shouldn't be so hard to merge."

There have been no official comments from the Chinese government regarding this plan, but analysts suggest that China's memory of Japanese atrocities in WWII may impede the smooth transition envised by the Japanese authorities.

Posted by Nutrimentia at April 1, 2003 11:44 PM