Even though I've lived in Japan now for over 4 years, there are naturally many many things about live here that I'm not familiar with. I learned a few things about the formal side of Japanese social life this weekend.
The Japanese preoccupation with manners and the appropriate honorofic and humble behavior are well known. The smallest actions in Japan can be employed in the expression of honor and humbleness. Last week, my father-in-law's aunt passed away at age 92. The funeral was Sunday, and I watched my mother-in-law prepare for the funeral. She had to prepare a couple envelopes with money in them. The larger envelope was for the family, the smaller for the priest who adminsters the services. Formal occasions are always hosted by the family and guests are expected to give rather substantial monetary gifts, mostly to offset the cost of hosting a funeral or wedding.
The envelopes containing the money are addressed with a brush pen. My mom-in-law first chooses a grey inked pen because it is a subtle shade; can't have harsh black ink in someone's face. The smaller envelope got a 100 yen or 500 yen coin and is given to the priest. The larger envelope (there is a standard design for these formal money-holding-envelopes) was for the paper bills. There is a sash of sorts around these envelopes, which are used at weddings, birthdays, New Years' and the like when giving monetary gifts. The sash has a bow, and the two ends curve down from the bow. However, manners recommend that for occasions that happen only once, such as weddings and funerals, the sash is turned around facing up. I had heard of this before and thought it had something to do with luck being held in the upturned space, like a horseshoe, but that apparently is incorrect.
Of course, the special funeral envelope didn't have an actual sash on it. The sashes are typically gold and red and rather gaudy, much too festive for a funeral. The funeral envelope has it printed on the envelope in a muted grey. At least the envelope my mother-in-law used today looked like that; maybe the other gaudy envelopes are used, or maybe there are gray sashed envelopes.
Then came the money itself. When giving cash in Japan, you are supposed to make sure you get crisp, clean, new, fancy, fresh bills. Many times money is given at the beginning of the year, for weddings, or for births. The symbolism of fresh money is so important that there are cash machines at the bank that will spit out fresh clean bills or change your old ones.
However, this is inappropriate at a funeral because it gives the impression that one had planned or expected the death of the deceased. Money is supposed to be worn a little bit (but not too much, mind you!!) to show that their passing was sudden and surprising and that you didn't have time to go get something fancy for them.
Now all of this isn't hard and fast law. I guess there are plenty of people who don't pay attention to this (we got some money after the baby was born that came in an envelope with an upturned sash, evidently indicating that they only expected us to have one child), and it isn't considered a major social foul if these rules aren't followed. But I was amazed at the depth of thought, the amount of symbolism built-in to all of it, and my mother-in-law's natural acceptance of it all. Whether it be a personal, cultural, or familiar failure, I have a hard time subscribing to this sort of societal expectation and obligation. But as an anthropologist, it's pretty interesting to see and experience.
Then this evening I got another glimpse of some of the things that a person can be expected to be aware of. Some friends got married last summer and are having their wedding reception this winter and invited us. The invitation comes with an RSVP postcard, self-addressed to the groom. This address includes the humble equivalent of "Mr." The part that we had to fill out had spaces for our names, addresse, and phone number, all of which were indicated with an honorable expression. Translated, it had space for "Your honored name, your honored address, and your honored phone number" but I have to say that it isn't nearly as awkward in Japanese. There actually is just a single kanji character that is prefixed to those of name, address, and number that indicates an honorific. This is actually important, because we are supposed to cross out the honorific prefix in our reply, rendering the words back to a normal, non-honorific form. And of course we cross out the humble "Mr." on the return address side of the card and write in the honorific version of sama.
Attention to this kind of stuff would wear me down, but my wife is good at it and I like the fact that we are able to be a part of continuing this traditional institutionalized system of respect and manners. It'll be interesting to see how my daughter grows up thinking about it.
Posted by Nutrimentia at November 9, 2003 11:54 PM | TrackBack